Cleaning Tips from Ryan
As a house* husband** I do my best to keep our home† clean and tidy. In addition to vacuuming our rugs, mopping our floors, and cleaning our†† diarrhea off of our toilet, I handle some laundry duties. As a modern, progressive house husband, I’m certainly not above doing my own laundry, but as a Christian man, I’m also forbidden to touch my girlfriend’s undergar**nts, so she handles hers while I do mine. In short, you can kinda consider me a cleaning pro – so sit tight while I take you on a journey through some of the best cleaning tips I’ve picked up in my 33 years of life, and ~3 years of cleaning up after myself – but first, the inspiration behind this post.
When loading the washing machine at my rental recently, I noticed some helpful cleaning tips printed on the inside of the lid. Right alongside instructions on how to load the machine, which detergents to use, and water temperature selection were tips on removing common household stains like wine, coffee, and bodily fluids.
Conveniently placed at the top of this list were instructions for removing antiperspirants and deodorants. As a perpetually sweaty modern progressive Christian house husband, these tips caught my eye immediately. The machine explained that creating a paste of ammonia and bleach and applying to the affected areas would clean that right up and certainly not kill you.
Yes, I know it specifies “color-safe bleach,” which doesn’t contain chlorine and therefore won’t kill you if you mix it with ammonia. Still, I think that should be emphasized further.
Inspired by these instructions, I’ve compiled below some of my most helpful cleaning tips.
Removing Red Wine Stains From Clothing
To most effectively remove redwine stains from clothing, quickly blot with a clean towel, rinse with cold water on both sides, and treat the stained area with liquid detergent. Don’t have any detergent on hand? Simply drink the remainder of the wine (to avoid further staining) anddrive your car or truck to the store to get some. But remember, drive quickly (stop signs optional) to avoid letting the stain set.
Removing Cream, Milk, or Dairy
To remove cream, milk, or other dairy products and prevent offensive odors, first wash on cold using non-chlorine bleach, line-dry, and then light yourself on fire and throw yourself off of the Hoover Dam.
Removing Coffee Stains
Bleach should do the trick for white clothes, but for darker clothing, strike the stain repeatedly with a large rock or boulder, then do some methamphetamine with your neighbor Richie and bare knuckle box each other in the basement.
Removing Semen From your Pajama Shorts
Not sure, you’ll have to ask my mom here. Good luck though because she died in 2012.
Removing Blood From Clothing
Call your local police station and ask for tips here – provide no further details or context, and if they inquire, hang up the phone immediately.
Removing Your Neighbor Richie’s Blood From Your Basement Floor
Oh shit oh fuck oh God. Oh God what did I do? Just move. I’m just gonna move.
*I rent an apartment
**I am unmarried
† Apartment
††My
